It's Stefan, it's always Stefan or is it?
by jpav333
Summary: My first FanFic ever so don't be too harsh ;  Ultimate DELENA fan so that is to be expected! I would love feedback to help make my future stories more epic than this one... so far no graphic details... but some might come in the future
1. The End

**It's Stefan, it's always Stefan...**

Not anymore.

Life was different in Mystic Falls, people have changed, it was as if everyone knew what was happening to me, they were staring, always looking. My life had been perfect, a loving family, an amazing boyfriend, great friends. But life wasn't like that anymore, it was a life of fear, and not just for myself...

Things with Stefan had been amazing, I loved him with all my heart. And Damon, who used to be a threat, was with Rose, where he belonged...

_Dear Diary,  
__I'm sick of being scared, my life has been torn apart for this mystical Klaus and I m still debating if he ever will come. I m not just scared for my own life, I'm scared for my friends... my family...  
__As for Stefan, he tries, he tries to be sympathetic, but it doesn t work. I need to be my own person and not bring him down with me... everything is my fault. He doesn't need me. I need to let him go...  
__I need some freedom before my epic death which has already been planned out. I need some fun. I need to have a new and different life. I need to feel alive again, not just scared-_

Stefan came swiftly in through the window and interrupted my writing. "You scared me," I said, looking away from his magical face.

"I'm sorry Elena, just here to check up on you." I already knew that, he was always here just to check up on me. But the fact that he even said that as if I didn't already know angered me. I nodded and put my pen to my paper hoping he would leave.

"What's wrong Elena? I know you, I know something is wrong, what is it?" He asked, concerned, I felt bad, I didn't know why I was so mad at him, but my feelings had a mind of their own. A part of me wanted to just tell him to leave, while another part of me wanted to ask him to spend the night. But I did neither.

"I'm fine Stefan, I'm just really tired. I'll see you in the morning," I said, still angered by his presence.

He came over, kissed my forehead and said, "Goodnight Elena, I love you. See you in the morning." And then he was off...

After Stefan had disappeared, I started to flip through my diary and I had landed on one page, one page which was only known by me. I felt my heart start to race, but I wasn't sure why. This had been the dreaded page in my diary, the one which I never planned to revisit, one which should have been locked away forever...

_Dear Diary,  
__It felt like a split second, like a band-aid being ripped off, but it didn't leave pain, it left a tingling sense of hope, joy, even security.  
__It was a crazy day but it was finally over and I was more than ready to sleep. I came out of the bathroom, half asleep, until I noticed Damon sitting there. I wanted him to leave, after all, I had just been kidnapped and almost killed. But Damon had brought me my vervain necklace. I reached out to grab it but he pulled his hand back, preventing me from reaching it. Then he spoke... the world went fuzzy and all I could hear were those four words, "I love you, Elena."  
__My head started to spin, my heart was beating fast as i leaned into him, my body automatically moving, leaning in. He kissed my forehead and as he pulled back, his eyes grew more intense and he shed a tear. From my eye dripped a tear as well. He swiftly placed the vervain necklace on my neck and was off, as if no one was even there.  
__Quick, like a bandaid, but filled with love. I wanted to say something, but my heart and my mind were in two seperate places. My heart lied with Damon and his confession, but my head monitored my heart, always lying with Stefan..._

I had remembered... I knew. And now, my head could no longer control my heart, my heart was winning...

I sat up for the rest of the night trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, what were these feelings? How can I control them? I needed to know what these feelings were... But what about Stefan? And Damon, he's with Rose...

After debating myself for about two hours, I decided to call Damon and tell him to come over, without Stefan and Rose knowing. I could hear Rose in the background and that tingling sense of jealousy rose inside of me. _What was wrong with me?_ Damon agreed and quickly came over, thinking something was wrong.

I was sitting on my bed, looking down at my feel hanging off the bed. My heart was beating thought my chest. I was about to come clean about what I had remembered about that night, thanks to the vervain tea.

Damon entered swiftly, looking around to see if I was in danger. Before he could say anything I stood and waked over to him, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes, my heart beating so fast, I was sure he could hear it. I stopped, shifting my eyes, trying not to seem nervous. But then he spoke. "Hi Elena."

My heart fluttered, i was completely thrown off. Before thinking, I screamed, "I know!" Damon's face turned from sweet to confused so I continued and told him everything, everything I had been regretting, dreading. As I finished explaining that night, I slowed my words, and he sat on my bed, looking disappointed, or confused. I didn't really want to know.

I sat on the bed with him and moved my hand to his chin while pushing his face to meet my eyes. "I love you, too." I said with a sense of self-realization. I _did_ love Damon. All along I had loved Damon but pushed him away because I was too afraid.

I was amazed with the words which I spoke that I forgot to even look at him. But, when I did, I knew, I knew he had moved on, I had missed my chance... His eyes had locked into a dead stare into space. He looked as if he was in pain I couldn't bear to watch, so I looked away as he said exactly what I knew he would...

"I love you Elena, I really do, but, not in that way, not anymore. I can't, and you can't." He spoke as if someone had fed him those words, like a robot. "Goodnight Elena, sweet dreams." With that, he was off.

I just laid back on my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I was so confused, I had no clue what I wanted, but now it felt as though I wanted Damon, but what about Stefan? I was trapped, trapped in something unhealthy, with someone who made me worry, made me crazy, made me angry. I was going crazy, unsure of what would happen next. I drifted off to sleep.

It was the middle of the night, and I felt something, I knew someone was here, I could feel it. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around hoping that whoever was there wouldn't notice I was awake. And he didn't. It was Stefan. he looked at me and I quickly closed my eyes. He was reading something, it looked a lot like my diary... I pretended to sleep for another 5 minutes while he said nothing, just sitting there, reading my deep inner thoughts. I felt violated.

I finally woke up, pretending that I didn't know what was going on. "Hello Elena," Stefan said in a harsh voice, one which has never been directed at me before.

I looked at him shocked, "What are you reading Stefan?" i knew exactly what he was reading. I started to feel bad, he wasn't supposed to be reading that, it wasn't for him.

"Well, Damon told me to come over here and check on you. He said you called him last night, he wouldn't tell me or Rose what it was about, but now I know. Elena, why would you hide this from me. I deserve to know your feelings, after all I am the oen always protecting you." He looked furious, so angry he couldn't even look at me, and I couldn't look at him. I was in physical and mental pain.

"I don't know." That was all I could say. My eyes grew heavy, I could feel the tears welling up inside. I didn't know what to do. I saw Stefan get up and walk away about to leave. "Wait Stefan." I got up and walked toward him, his back still facing me. "I love you Stefan."

"No you don't. You don't know Elena. You're confused. I get it." He said, his voice cracking, no longer as harsh, I knew he loved me, and I loved him... or did I?

"Stefan, wait, I love you, but I love him too. But I'm not supposed to love him. You are the right choice for me, but sometimes, my heart feels differently." I was surprised at what I was saying. My heart was speaking without my head being able to stop it.

"Elena, I get it. We're over. Figure out what you need to figure out, then we can talk." His voice went harsh again, cracking as he said those two words that could end us forever. And he left, just as swiftly as he came who knew if that would be the last time we would be together.

As soon as he left, I felt empty. Everything inside of me had just shut down. My life as I knew it was over. Now both people that I loved, couldn't stand the sight of me. All I could do was sit and stare into the black hole which had become my life.


	2. The Realization

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't explain my feelings. _I loved Stefan, but do I still love him? Do I even love Damon, or are things just bad with Stefan and I'm using Damon as a backup? _I couldn't do it. It hurt too much.

I sat up in my bed for the rest of the night. It was about 4 in the morning and I needed help, I couldn't stay like this. I went into Jeremy's room and woke him. Instead of getting mad, he could see in my eyes that I actually needed his help. He sat up, opened his arms and embraced me, just hugging me while I cried in his arms. We didn't speak, he was just there for me.

"What's wrong Elena, whose vampire ass do I need to kill?" Jeremy asked trying to cheer me up.

I looked up at his smirk, rolling my eyes. "I fucked everything up Jerr, I don't know what I want, I can't decide..."

He could see that I was truly in pain, but he had no idea what I was talking about. "Elena, you're gonna need to explain this to me from the beginning." He wanted details and I had to give them to him, I needed to let everything out.

As I started to explain everything to Jeremy I started to realize something. As I was going through everything I had remembered between Damon and I, I realized that he actually loved me, he might love Rose right now, but the love he had for me, couldn't be over, it was too strong. Damon was just trying to be nice, to be unselfish, he was handing me right over to his brother in order to do the right thing. Just as he had done that night when he thought he had compelled me. I knew it, I knew I had to be right. He had to come back to me, _he has to come back..._

I started to feel a lot better, but still finished explaining everything to Jeremy. When I was finished, Jeremy looked surprised. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing, just... you never mentioned anything about Stefan... What's that about?" I gave him a puzzled look, so he continued. "I may not hear everything, but you totally left out what just happened with Stefan in your room, which I completely overheard. Usually, you would tell me about that, especially when explaining this kind of story."  
I still looked puzzled, but he was right, I _hadn't _mentioned Stefan, and both Jeremy and I knew exactly what my brain had unintentionally told me. I loved Damon. "I love Damon...? I do love Damon." It was weird saying it out loud, before, I had been unsure of myself, but now I was sure, and with Stefan out of the picture..._but Stefan wasn't out of the picture, and neither was Rose..._

I was practically killing myself with these thoughts, all I knew was that I was in love with Damon. And Stefan, I would have to think about later, because I loved him in a friendly way, but things lately have not been working out.

Jeremy was just sitting there, me in his arms, him watching me think. Then he spoke, "You know I am not for Damon, nor will I ever be, but I want what's best for you, and right now, you want him. So go get him."

I wanted to take Jeremy's advice, I really did. But I didn't want to hurt anyone, so I figured I would take a break from all this craziness and just go to sleep. I kissed Jeremy goodnight and was off to sleep. This had been one crazy night. As soon as my head hit the pillow, sleep overcame me.

I awoke with a horrible feeling, like someone was here, someone I didn't want. But I couldn't worry about that right now, all I could think about was my crazy dream, and my crazy reality. All I could remember from my dream was me, lying on my bed, writing in my journal, almost like a replay of that night. But what I was writing about was not just me and Stefan, it was me, Stefan, _and_ Damon...

For me, it had always been who to choose, but in this dream, I didn't have to choose, I had both... This both shocked and scared me. I was becoming selfish, even crazy. Something was clearly wrong with me.

But the dream didn't end there. I was writing in my journal, laying on my bed with my bra and underwear on, a little sexy for a usual night. When Stefan and Damon appeared through my window. All I remember was making out with Damon while Stefan was licking my neck, making me moan with pleasure as these perfect beings satisfied everything I had ever dreamed of. I laid back and thought about that dream, fantasizing Damon teasing me, licking around my hard nipples while Damon stuck his fingers in my tight pussy making me scream their names. I remember pushing Damon's head right into my clitoris making me crazy with pleasure. But as I was fantasizing this amazing dream, not only was I happy, but I only remember screaming Damon's name, only seeing Damon's face...

I stopped. Not only was my heart telling me what I should do, but my dreams, my subconscious was also telling me who I belonged with. And I knew, my head finally caught up with my heart, no longer scared of what was to come, but just alive with the thought of loving someone who I thought I could never love. I was in a state of bliss, so happy I couldn't even believe this was reality.

I was shocked as someone entered my room-snatched me-blindfolded me- and before I knew it, I was in the trunk of someone's car. I was scared as the car drove off into the distance. Little did I know that my fate was catching up to me. And as I felt my life start to mean something again, it was going to be taken away from me...


End file.
